


Mahou Shoujo Kyle Broflovski

by facetiousfutz



Category: South Park
Genre: Boys Kissing, Boys in Skirts, Canon-Typical Violence, Eric Cartman Being Eric Cartman, M/M, Magical Girls, Melodrama, Parody, Puella Magi Madoka Magica References, Slurs, Stupidity, anti-semitic views held exclusively by Eric Cartman
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-08-23
Updated: 2018-03-14
Packaged: 2018-12-18 22:44:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,345
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11884401
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/facetiousfutz/pseuds/facetiousfutz
Summary: “You can’t ground me! You can never ground me!” said Cherry Blossom Butters to the Wicked Witch of Groundation. “I made a wish on a gay dog and got super special magical girl powers now.”“hhhhhhhhhhssssGGRRRRROOOOOOOUUUUUUNNNNNNDDDDDDDDEEEEEEEDDDDDDDDDdfjasldjfdljgaffdavcx!” said the witch, its tentacles and pervasive aura drawing nearer. Cherry Blossom Butters didn’t even bat an eyelash, though. Her powers were in full bloom, pink petals swirling around her like a beautiful spring morning in Tokyo.“I wished to never be grounded again and that’s that! Taste my shaft, you evil witch!” She belted, charging toward the beast at full speed.





	1. Episode 1: I First Met Her in a Totally Gay Dream

**Author's Note:**

> Cast: Kyle is Madoka, Stan is Homura, Cartman is Sayaka, Towelie is Hitomi, Sparky is Kyubey, Kenny is Mami, Butters is Kyoko, Scott Malkinson is Kyosuke, Tweek & Craig are Gay Cousins, Token is Goku, Clyde is Vegeta, Kevin Stoley is Kylo Ren, Randy is Lorde, Goth Kids are Non-conformists, Shelly is Walpurgisnacht, Sharon is waiting for everyone to finish playing so she can finally serve dinner

It was a bright and happy Saturday morning, a balmy three degrees Fahrenheit outside, and Stan was having a big sleep over weekend with his little friends Kyle, Cartman, Kenny, and Butters. Butters was only invited because they had a very important game to play today, and it required five people and one four-legged gay dog. 

“OK, so we all know that show we watched at anime club was totally sweet,” said Stan. “I didn’t know magical girls were so violent and pissed off.”

“I know, right?” said Kyle. “Mom would kill me if she knew I watched that. Remember when that one girl got her head bitten off?”

“HAhAHA!” said Cartman. “So sweet. Keeny and Butters totally pissed their pants.” 

“Mrrffphu phu phkyu phkyu!” said Kenny, pissed off. Unlike these losers, he knew what it felt like to be decapitated. It fucking sucked. His neck ached just thinking about it. 

“Oh I really need tah-to learn to control my wiener,” said Butters, balling his fists. Ever since the Japanese girls moved to South Park, they had been shown all sorts of anime shows, most of which scared the buhjesus out of Butters. He got grounded every time he wet his pants at anime club, and technically he was still supposed to be grounded, but Cartman begged and pleaded with Mr. and Mrs. Stotch to let Butters join the sleep over, and finally they caved. That was fine by Butters. Being grounded was pure bulldookie. He’d much rather play with the fellas. 

“OK, boners. I will be playing the part of cheeky school girl Miki Prissypants and my weapon is this totally sweet sword,” said Cartman, picking up a Nerf sword. He was wearing his mother’s sky blue negligee and black pantyhose. His hair had one bobby pin in it. In his mind, he transformed into the beautiful Miki Prissypants with big blue eyes and stunning blue hair beneath his hat, elaborately dressed and totally not fat.

“You look like an inflated smurf wearing tissue paper,” said Kyle. 

“Fuck you, Kahl!” said Cartman, turning his sword toward Kyle. “See, guys. This is exactly what I meant when I said Jews can’t be magical girls.” 

“Yuh huh! I’m playing the part of the most powerful magical girl ever, Kaname Jewlia!” said Kyle, donning his Nerf crossbow. He tried to go with the name Kaname Mad Shot when they were planning their characters the previous night, but Cartman browbeat him into using the name Jewlia instead, and Stan urged Kyle to agree to it so they could all get some fucking sleep. Jewlia wore his normal ushanka, since his hair looked totally stupid in pigtails. Otherwise he wore one of his dad’s white t-shirts with a belt around it as a dress. In his mind, he transformed into the beautiful Kaname Jewlia, modest and kind, a champion of justice. He is also the only magical girl capable of taking down the boorish troll that lurks the Marsh house. 

“Nuh uh,” said Cartman. “You can’t be the most powerful magical girl, because I am.” 

”No, no. We already decided that if Kyle took the name Jewlia that he could be the strongest and you agreed! You can’t take it back now!” said Stan. 

“Whateva. Don’t sass me, biatch. I still have the biggest va-jay-jay,” said Cartman, waving his fat finger in Stan’s face, warming up for his catty chick performance. Stan slapped it away.

“Anyway,” said Stan. “I’ll kick your ass if you fuck with Jewlia, for I am his sworn protector and savior, Kunoichi Akemi, with the power to manipulate space/time and fuck your shit up.”

Stan was the only magical girl wearing a dress that fit thanks to Shelly’s recent growth spurt and his dad being too lazy to bring her old clothes to the thrift store. He wore her dull, gray church dress with the little yellow duck on the front breast pocket. In his mind, he transformed into the beautiful Kunoichi Akemi, loyal and brave, he goes above and beyond for the people he loves. “I also have a lot of sweet toy guns thanks to Uncle Jimbo.”

“Mmphra brum brum diggit nbbl nbbl,” said Kenny, praising his friends for finally getting in on the magical girl hype. Better late than never, he supposed. In his mind, he transformed into the beautiful Princess Kenny, the most kawaii princesu in all the land, with the power to never die. He also had toy guns, which he borrowed from Stan because he’s totally poor. 

“Looks like the gang’s all nyah. Let’s...”

“Wait a minute, Eric. What about me?” 

“Gay wads can’t be magical girls, Butters. It’s not how it works.” 

“He has to, dumbass,” said Kyle. “Remember? That’s why we invited him over in the first place. We can’t have a four person magical girl team. That’s worse than a four person boy band!” 

“Yeah!” said Butters. “I’ll make a really good magical girl. See, I wore a pink shirt and everything, because I am Cherry Blossom Butters. I do all my homework, finish all my chores, and I got a whole bag of apples.” Butters pulled one apple out of the bag and bit into it. “I got some apples, loo loo loo...” 

“Gay,” said Cartman. “OK, assholes. It’s time for Miki Prissypants and Friends to venture out into the world and fight some bitches!” 

“Witches,” said Kyle. “It’s witches.” 

“WHATEVER. FUCK YOU, KAHL!” 

\--- [Episode 1: I First Met Her in a Totally Gay Dream]

Young Kaname Jewlia ran to school with a slice of kosher rye toast in her mouth. She was running late after a time-honored tradition of Kick the Baby with her younger brother Ike. The ground was cold and sleek with snow, but birds were chirping and the sun was high in the sky. She didn’t have much time to waste gazing at the familiar scenery though. All she knew was that she had some crazy fuckin’ dream last night, and her nipples were still totally hard from it. 

“Good morning!” she said, and her best friends Miki Prissypants and Towelie turned to greet her.

“Jewlia, you’re late. Stop having your period and let’s go, you stupid bitch.” 

“I am so high right now,” said Towelie, smoking a blunt.

The trio of pretty school girls stroll down the courtyard leading toward the front of the building, giggling and lezzing out all the while, until Jewlia started talking.

“My mom says a boy who confesses his love with a letter rather than in person is no good,” said Jewlia. 

“Yeah, well your mom’s a bitch,” said Miki. 

“Don’t call my mom a bitch, fatass!”

“Ay! Don’t call me fat, you fuckin’ Jew! I’m big boned and I’ll tell PC Principal on you!” 

“And I’ll tell PC Principal that you keep ripping on me for being Jewish!”

“He won’t help you. PC people think Zionists are totally lame.” 

“Not all Jews are Zionists you racist turd!” 

“I have no idea what’s going on right now,” said Towelie, hitting that blunt again.

The bell rang then, ushering all students to pile into the classroom. Miki, Jewlia, and Towelie were in class with other friends such as Haruka Tweak, Craig Michiru, Son Token dressed like Goku, and Clyde, dressed like Vegeta. Their teacher, Mr. Garrison, who just recently resigned as president because he was a huge pussy and shit diaper baby as everyone knows, came into class with Mr. Hat and started teaching. 

“OK, kids, and your gay little outfits. Welcome to Saturday detention. Now who wants to come up and solve for X?” 

“I will,” said the new girl. “But first, you must let me introduce myself to the class.”

“Oh for Christ sake, Stanley. Hurry it up. You’ve only been attending class with all of these other little cum rags since preschool.” 

The new girl wrote “Kunoichi Akemi” on the board, and bowed her head. Mr. Garrison uttered “gay” and a few kids giggled here and there. 

“I haven’t been to school for years, since I was diagnosed with Super AIDS and had to stay in the hospital until it got better. I hope we can all be friends,” said Kunoichi Akemi, bowing once more before striding straight to Jewlia’s desk. The young ginger maiden stared up at this mystery girl in awe, for she had a dream of this exact person last night. It was a totally killer dream, with lots of explosions and monsters chucking buildings and shit. It kind of made Jewlia’s balls excited, but at the same time it was totally weird.

“Dude, she totally wants to bone you,” Miki whispers to Jewlia. 

Later that day, Mr. Garrison’s rant on the importance of David Bowie’s erection came to a close, and Kunoichi Akemi approached Jewlia once more before leaving Saturday detention.

“Miss Kaname Jewlia. You are the Nurse’s Aide for this class, are you not?” 

“Tell her no. Jews can’t be Nurse’s Aides,” Miki whispered. Jewlia ignored her. 

“Shut up, fatass,” Jewlia grumbled, then she turned back to Miki. “Uhh...”

“Will you come with me to the nurse’s office?” said Kunoichi. “I feel like my balls are going to throw up.” 

“Sure...” 

The two of them stood up, laughing as they left that fat fuck behind. It felt good to be together, since rarely was it ever just the two of them these days. Jewlia bowed her head awkwardly, and Kunoichi lead the way, despite being the one pretending to need direction. It was all part of the plan. 

“How did you know I was the Nurse’s Aide?” Jewlia asked. 

“Mr. Garrison mentioned it during his David Bowie lecture,” said Kunoichi, flipping her hair back for dramatic effect. It made Jewlia bow her head and blush. 

“Oh, OK. So, you like football?” 

“Broncos. You know. Home team pride.” 

“Are you always this mysterious and edgy, Miss Akemi?” 

A long pause, but then she answered, “Please, call me Kunoichi.” 

And they were friends from that moment on. 

\---

“Dude, this is so weird. I’m really bad at being a girl,” said Kyle.

“I know what you mean, man. I’ve had a steady girlfriend and even I don’t get them,” said Stan. “It looks like all the time I spent with the goth kids is paying off, at least. I’m hardcore as fuck.” 

\---

Kunoichi stopped abruptly just then, whipping her luxurious poofball hat aside and stopping Jewlia in her tracks. “Kaname Jewlia, do you treasure the life you currently live? Do you consider your family and friends precious?” 

“Yeah, totally,” said Kyle. “Why?” 

“Kyle...”

“Oh shit, I broke character. More girly... more girly...” He bowed his head, becoming his more demure and soft-spoken counterpart. “I-I mean, yes, I do. I love them and consider them very precious and all that gay shit.” 

“Oh really?”

“Yeah really!” 

“Then don’t go taking any favors from gay dogs that want to change who you are. Promise?” 

“Dude, what?” 

“You heard me. Do not make a wish upon a gay dog, or it’ll fuck everything.” 

And with that, Kunoichi turned heel and walked away, cuing dramatic exit music and leaving Jewlia more confused than ever before. 

\--- 

“See, Kahl? I told you Jews can’t be magical girls. Wish upon a gay dawg and you get burned.” 

“Shut the fuck up, Cartman. That’s not how it goes and you know it!” 

“Mrrrph ddudduu buhruh mmbah.” 

“Kenny’s right. It’s time to eat lunch,” said Stan, putting his toy Nerf gun down. The boys all piled into the kitchen and had hot dog on a fork, while a gay dog named Sparky loomed in the shadows, pissing on a bush. 

\---

Towelie joined Miki and Jewlia enjoying their afternoon meal. 

“That Kunoichi Akemi chick totally licks carpet,” said Miki, stuffing her mouth with hotdogs, cheesy poofs, and Kentucky Fried Chicken skin. 

“That’s what happens when you forget to bring a towel,” said Towelie, hitting up the bong. 

“Dude, who cares about that?” said Jewlia. “The weird thing is that I’ve only ever met her before in my dreams.” 

“That is the gayest thing I’ve ever heard in my life,” said Miki. “And I watched Douchebag go up Mr. Slave’s butthole.”

“Uh, I know. I was there.” Jewlia rolled her eyes. “Seriously, though. This is weird. I feel like this chick totally knows something, but she’s being all cryptic and weird on purpose.”

“That’s what chicks do when they’re trying to get with you. Duh!” said Miki, dumping cheesy poof dust all over her fat face. “Anyway, I have to go to Wallmart and buy Scott Malkinson some glucose tablets. Mahm said she’d take me to Casa Bonita if I did.” 

“That’s only because you flushed his glucose tablets down the toilet yesterday, fatass!” 

“Yeah, because diabetes is totally lame, Jewbacca!”

“Oh please. Is that the best you can come up with? No one cares about Star Wars anymore.” 

\--- 

Meanwhile, at Kevin Stoley’s house. 

“You won’t win this fight, father,” said Kevin Stoley in a Kylo Ren mask, having a light saber battle with a cardboard cutout of Harrison Ford. 

“Please, son. Forget this madness and come home. Mom made pasghetti,” Kevin mouthed for the cardboard cutout, and then he whacked it with his light saber until it fell over. 

\---

Next time on Mahou Shoujo Kyle Broflovski... 

“Jewlia. Jewlia. Help me, Jewlia. Some bitch is trying to commit a hate crime on a gay dog.” 

Stay tuned!


	2. Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back

“You know, Cartman. You’re probably going to have diabetes someday. Don’t you think giving Scott Malkinson a hard time is bad karma?” said Kyle, whose God was a vengeful one that occasionally struck His mighty fist on Eric Cartman. Imagining the fall of Cartmanland and million dollars Cartman pissed away on it gave Kyle life. That memory was ambrosia for the soul.

“Mahm says that Karma Sutra is something she does with the mail man every other day,” said Cartman. “And I’ll never have diabeetus. Who do you think I am, Wilford Brimley?” 

“No, but you are fat like Wilford Brimley.” 

“Ay!” 

“Shhh, you hear that?” said Kyle, stopping dead in his tracks when his walkie talkie crackled to life. He opened up his ears, took a big breath, and assumed the role of Jewlia once more.

\--- [Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back]

Miki looks up at the title and groans. 

“Kevin, goddammit. I swear to fucking Christ...” Miki grumbled, shaking her head.

“Halp,” said a voice through static, or so it seemed. It was a telepathic cry for help. “Jewlia, help me...”

“Who is this?” said Jewlia into her mental mic. “What do you want?”

“Jewlia. Jewlia. Help me, Jewlia. Some bitch is trying to commit a hate crime on a gay dog.” 

“Oh no! I can’t let that happen. Miki, we have to go.” 

“Hello, earth to fag. Wallmart is this way.” 

“We’ll go to Wallmart after, but we have to do this. There’s a gay dog and he’s in trouble.” 

“Here we go again, saving every stupid asshole gay dog,” said Miki, struggling to follow as Jewlia ran far ahead of him. “Fuck you guys... I am seriously... AHH!!” 

“Hurry up, fatass!” 

“I gah... ah bah bah... I’m sa... seriously... hate you guys...” 

“Look, there he is,” said Jewlia, turning into the playground. Kunoichi was holding the gay dog Sparky hostage and pressing a toy gun to its head. “Don’t do it, Kunoichi!” 

“Get away, Jewlia. It’s not safe here,” said Kunoichi, in a mildly bored voice. 

“Let the gay dog go, Kunoichi.” 

“You don’t understand, Jewlia. The source of all our problems is right here.” Kunoichi gestured toward Sparky, who sat there licking his junk while his leash was tied to the jungle gym. He was not at all fazed by the Nerf gun pressed to his head.

“You... you... suck,” said Miki, panting and sweating. She also ripped a huge fart. 

\--- 

“Sick, Cartman,” said Kyle, pulling his t-shirt over his nose. 

“Girls don’t fart, fatass,” said Stan, fanning the putrid gas away from his face.

“I didn’t fart, nob gobblers. I queefed! AND GODDAMMIT I’M NOT FAT, I’M BIG BONED!” 

“Mmrrmmmph meme,” said Kenny, and Kyle and Stan laughed at that sick burn.

“Is it time for me to come out yet?” said Butters, peeking out from the metal trash can. 

“No, Butters. Stop ruining the queef scene!” said Cartman. 

“Oh, all right then.” Butters withdrew back into the trash can. “Sure is stinky in here.” 

\---

“Quick, Jewlia. Let’s escape with the gay dog while this bitch is fanning away my queef air,” said Miki.

“On it!” said Jewlia, untying Sparky from the metal beam. They ran and ran, well, Jewlia ran and Miki’s fat just kind of flopped and wobbled, and she had to stop several times to catch her breath. Kunoichi had just finished fanning away the putrid queef when a threat descended upon upon her.

“If it isn’t the little fourthies,” said the sixth grade witch, riding around her on its horrible bike. It was big and mean, and ugly, with enough acne grease to put Pizza Hut to shame. Two other witches followed suit, circling Kunoichi Akemi like sharks, their fangs bared. “Playing dress up today? Getting in touch with your girly side?” 

“Dude, magical girls are totally badass!” said Kunoichi. “You just don’t get it.” 

The sixth grader witches laughed out loud, hooting and howling, as they zeroed in on their kill. 

Kunoichi thought she was done for. Truly, it was a calculated risk, being a ten year old boy in a Colorado hick town dressing up as a girl. But Kenny totally did it all the time and no one ever messed with him, so why should Miki, Kunoichi, and Jewlia be any different? Kunoichi was ready to cry and plead for her life, but then she remembered. 

Kenny! 

_Kawaii ne onna no ko._  
Kamishinoikaokii  
Atashi no hovercraft or you die, kiaru 

_Ima kayoubi desu._  
Purinsesu Kenny korosu.  
Naze matta.  
Naze osoi.  
Kenny-chan kawaii purinsesu~ 

“Marrhph krrah matta matta,” said Kenny-chan, showering the sixth grader witches in sticky pornographic magazines.

“Yo, check it out! BEWBS!” said the first witch, and all else was lost, for boobs always took priority over beating up gay little fourth graders. Just for added dramatic effect, Kenny whipped out two water guns and shot dual streams into the air, producing a rainbow. 

“Ahh! Help!” said Jewlia, from twenty feet away. They were getting mauled by rabid Canada geese trying to take Miki’s cheesy poofs away. 

\--- 

“Drop the stupid bag, fatass!” Kyle howled. 

“Fuck you, Jew. I am woman. Here me roar!” said Cartman. He lifted his negligee and ripped an enormous fart once more, causing the geese to scatter and Kyle to be sick to his stomach.

\---

They had their after lunch rendezvous at the home of Princess Kenny, a quaint little hovel with moldy rainwater seeping down the walls. 

“Hi, Princess Kenny!” said Karen McCormick, while she watched Terrence and Phillip. 

“Hi Karen!” said Princess Kenny, taking a small tube of silly putty out of her dress. She gave it to her little sister, and Karen squealed with delight. 

“Dude, big deal. I have like thirty of those,” said Miki, and Princess Kenny punched her in the tit. “Oww, Keeny!” 

“Cartman, could you stop being a dick for once of your life and hurry up? We’ve only got so much more time to play magical girls until sundown. Mom wants us back in time for dinner,” said Kunoichi, gesturing the corpulent maiden into the throne room of the fair princess. 

“Fine, sheesh. Don’t belch blood out of your vagina over it,” Miki muttered, and Karen McCormick giggled as she made a heart with her putty. 

They piled into the throne room of Princess Kenny’s castle, and she pulled down her panties and had a seat on the throne. Then she proceeded to pee while sitting down, just like any proper lady. 

“Princess Kenny, your powers are so mighty and mystical. Please tell us your backstory, so that we might get in on your amazing super powers,” said Jewlia. 

“Mmmrr mmm mrrrmmm muh mrrr,” said Princess Kenny, pointing toward Sparky.

“Wish upon a gay dog?” said Jewlia. 

“Absolutely not!” said Kunoichi. “I’m warning you, Jewlia. For your own good, do not make a contract with that gay dog. You’ll regret it.” 

Sparky just laid on the cold, dirty bathroom floor, sad that no one was petting him. 

“What about me? I want to make a contract,” said Miki. 

“Mmpa mmrr mumumum,” said Princess Kenny, delicately squeezing a turd out of her buttocks. She figured she might as well do her business while she was just sitting there with her panties down. 

“The fair maiden urges us to choose our wish wisely,” said Jewlia, with little regard for Kunoichi’s warning.

“Screw that,” said Miki. “Gay dog, I wish for one. No, ten million dollars, mya!” 

“Arrruuu,” said Sparky, looking at Miki with big eyes. He wanted pets, so he stood up and licked Miki’s hand.

“Yes!” said Miki. “The power is mine!” 

She started to glow, and spun around in a circle three or four times. The broach on her bosom exploded into an extravagant dress, then she held her hands above her head while pulling on gloves, then her legs exploded into cute thigh high stockings with garter belt and comfortable dance flats. The finishing touch was a burst of luxurious blue hair from beneath her hat, and her eyes got all blue, sparkly, and anime, and she struck a pose and said “Screw you guys, I’m going home!” 

\---

“Wait, what?” said Kyle. 

“Dude, I’m not just gonna stand here and watch Keeny take a shit. I got stuff to do, like... like getting my balls waxed. Girls do that, right?” 

“Cartman, you can’t leave. You just got your powers,” said Stan. 

“Myah ddhuuh myhe ha,” said Kenny, wiping his ass, then flushing the toilet. 

“Hahahahaha,” the boys laughed, and Karen McCormick came in and laughed too. 

\---

Meanwhile, in the distance. 

“Those turds are taking too long to get home!” Shelly grumbled. 

“Well, I made enough lasagna for everyone. Let’s wait a few more minutes for... Randy!” 

Randy looked up, after shoveling five bites of lasagna into his face. 

“I’m going to kill every single one of them,” said Shelly, pounding her fist on the table as her food got cold. 

\---

“H-hello?” the small voice of Cherry Blossom Butters sounded from a lonely trash can. “C-can I come out now? My toes are awfully cold. Fellas? Hello? I’m ready to be magical now.” 

“Wanna get high?” Towelie asked, who’d been smoking on and off in the trash for the past hour.

“Oh, uh. No thanks, Towelie. If I get high off of Mary Jane then I’ll get gonorrhea and have to have my pee hole sewn shut. At least that’s what my dad says.”

The fumes of THC were bad enough to have Butters feeling all woozy. Eventually he forgot all about being a magical girl and decided to enjoy life and his bag of apples. “I’ve got some apples, loo loo loo. You got some too, loo loo loo...” 

“I totally have the munchies,” said Towelie, biting into an apple. 

\---

Meanwhile, at the house of Son Token. 

“Now that we’re full from this mighty feast, can we go back outside?” said Token, still dressed like Goku. “If we hurry, we’ll be able to defeat Frieza before planet Namek blows up.”

“Curse you, Kakarot,” said Clyde, in his whiny, nasally voice. 

“OK, but don’t stay out too late, son. We've got church in the morning.” 

“Cool. Thanks, dad,” said Token, and he and Clyde took off into the night. 

\---

Next time on Mahou Shoujo Kyle Broflovski...

“We’re not cousins, asshole,” said Craig Michiru, grabbing Haruka Tweak’s hand. “We’re lesbians. Get it right.” 

“Dude, those chicks are totally cousins,” said magical girl Miki Prissypants to the gaywads in Clyde’s back yard.

“No, they are lesbian lovers. Look it up.” 

“They’re totally cousins in the dub, though.”

“There’s a dub??” said Haruka, twitching.

“PC Principal doesn’t want us watching dubs. Says it’s cultural appropilation, or whatever. I really don’t care. I’m just trying to get an A on my multi-cultural studies, and anime club is the only club that isn’t totally boring.”

“You don’t even need it!” said Miki. “You’ll get a free ride through life just for being gay!”

Michiru gave Miki the bird, then went on her merry way together with her beloved wife.


	3. Episode 3: Haruka and Michiru Plus Garter Belt

“Where the fuck were you?” said Shelly, grabbing her little brother and rattling him by the jacket. “Mom made us wait and dinner got cold.” 

“Sorry! We lost track of time,” said Stan, finding it hard to breathe. Normally Shelly didn’t manhandle him in front of their parents, but Randy was already drunk, and Sharon was pissed off, too. She chastised them as they sat, shoveling cold lasagna into their mouths as quickly as they could. They were all starving. It was a long and fruitful day of Saturday detention while playing magical girls. They needed to regain their strength. 

Then Stan’s phone buzzed, and they realized their work was far from over. 

“Mom, a bunch of the guys are over at Clyde’s house. Can we go?” 

“It’s late, Stanley.” 

“I know, but it’s Saturday, and everyone’s over there already. He just texted me and said so.” 

“Yeah, me too,” said Kyle. 

“Mmmrpha mrghe,” said Kenny. 

“The lasagna was delicious, Mrs. Marsh. Here, let me get those dishes for yew,” said Cartman, smiling and batting his eyelashes as he collected everyone’s dishes, except Shelly’s. She was still eating. Stan was only pissed that he hadn’t thought of that first, though he didn’t normally have to suck up to his mom. She was pretty chill as far as moms went. 

“Well, all right. Let me call Clyde’s father and make sure it’s all right with him.” 

“Yeah!” said all the boys. Shelly punched Stan in the arm to shut him up.

After downing his third red wine, Randy asked, “I noticed you’re all dressed like chicks. Are you boys playing Lorde?” 

“No, dad. We’re playing magical girls,” said Stan. 

“Oh, magical girls,” said Randy. “Yeah, I’m into magical girls. Jem, She-Ra, I Dream of Genie...” 

“No, dad. Like Madoka and Sailor Moon and shit. You know, chicks that are actually cool.” 

“Oh,” said Randy. “Hey, I know. Maybe Lorde could be a magical girl, too, yuh?” 

“NO!” said all the boys. 

“OK, boys. Get in the car. I’ll drive you,” said Sharon. 

“What?” said Randy. “No way. I’ll drive them. Only magical girl Lorde knows the way.” 

“You’re drunk, Randy,” said Sharon, glaring at him. 

“Nuh uh. I had a glass of wine with dinner. Europeans do it all the time and it’s classy, GAHW!”

“God, I HATE this family!” said Shelly, leaving the room without even taking her plate to the kitchen. Sharon and the boys were out the front door just after Shelly slammed her bedroom door shut behind her.

\--- [Episode 3: Haruka and Michiru Plus Garter Belt]

Cherry Blossom Butters crawled out of the trash can, freezing as she headed off. Those bitches totally left her behind with nothing but an entire bag of apples and the towel that got high and ate her entire bag of apples. Naturally, Cherry Blossom Butters knew she was in a heap o’ doo doo, because Kunoichi Akemi’s mom would surely call up the house and ask about Butters, and Butters would go right back to being more grounded than ever. 

“It would serve me right, though,” said Butters. “Hanging out in the trash with a yucky ol’ towel. Getting all woozy from marijuana stink. Why, my dad really ought to tan my hide for that one. Why do I do these things? I really need to learn to buh-have myself.” 

“Arf,” said Sparky the gay dog. The Marsh house was only a few blocks away, and his day was never done until he peed on every little inch of the playground. He gave Cherry Blossom Butters a few friendly licks on the hand, breaking the child out of her woeful contemplation. 

“Aww gee, Mr. Gay Dog. You just reminded me. Alls I gotta do ta become a magical girl is wish upon a gay dog, right?”

“Rrrg?” said Sparky. 

“That’s it!” said Butters, picking a long stick up off the ground. “Mr. Gay Dog, I know what I want to wish for now. 

“I wish my dad could never ground me again. Weh heh ho ho!” 

And in her mind, Cherry Blossom Butters transformed into a stunning magical warrior, with a sakura brooch on the chest, knee-high black socks, and a red dress. Her weapon of choice was a spear. 

“Oh, goodie!” said Cherry Blossom Butters. “Now my dad and Miki Prissypants can’t be assholes to me no more. Thank you, Mr. Gay Dog.” 

Butters grabbed Sparky’s leash and wandered off down the road, humming a jaunty tune all the while, never to be grounded again. Wow. What a wonderful thing that is. 

\--- 

Meanwhile, the rest of the kids gathered in Clyde’s back yard.

“All hail the prince of all Saiyans,” said Clyde, and nobody hailed him. Token in his orange gi laughed, though, and Craig flipped him off. 

“Hey, boners,” said Cartman, piling into the back yard with his friends. They were all still wearing their magical girl skirts. Kenny was even applying mascara that he found on the floor of Stan’s mom’s car. “What kind of gay bullcrap are you losers up to?” 

“Is that your ass hanging out the back of your skirt?” said Craig, making everyone else laugh. Craig was dressed meticulously as an actual Japanese school girl. He almost looked the part, but for the stupid hat that he refused to take off. Tweek was in a matching outfit. He also looked the part, but for the hopeless state of his hair. He couldn’t stop pulling at it when he was anxious, which was always.

“Fuck you, Craig. At least I’m not dating my cousin. Weirdo.” 

\---

“We’re not cousins, asshole,” said Craig Michiru, grabbing Haruka Tweak’s hand. “We’re lesbians. Get it right.” 

“Dude, those chicks are totally cousins,” said magical girl Miki Prissypants to the gaywads in Clyde’s back yard.

“No, they are lesbian lovers. Look it up.” 

“They’re totally cousins in the dub, though.”

“There’s a dub??” said Haruka, twitching.

“PC Principal doesn’t want us watching dubs. Says it’s cultural appropilation, or whatever. I really don’t care. I’m just trying to get an A on my multi-cultural studies, and anime club is the only club that isn’t totally boring.”

“You don’t even need it!” said Miki. “You’ll get a free ride through life just for being gay!”

Michiru gave Miki the bird, then went on her merry way together with her beloved wife. 

“Anyway,” said Vegeta, as poorly portrayed by Clyde. “We have a mission.

“A horrible ghost who calls herself “mom” is the notorious Lord Frieza, and he’ll succeed in blowing up the planet Namek if we don’t get Cartman’s mom’s garter belt out of that tree.” 

There were several trees in the Donovans' back yard. One of which had a tire swing on it. Another, closest to the house, had a garter belt hanging from one of the branches. 

“Dude, that’s dumb,” said Jewlia. 

“That’s not my mom’s,” said Miki Prissypants, even though it totally was. 

“Anyway,” said Son Token. “We need to get someone on the tire swing, so the rest of us can swing them up high enough to reach the garter belt. One-two-three not it.”

“Not it!” said Haruka and Michiru. 

“Not it!” said Clyde. 

“N-not it!” Miki, Jewlia, and Kunoichi blurted. 

“No-oh, gd dmn t!” said Princess Kenny, tossing her stupid mascara to the ground. There was only one way this could possibly end, but she got on the cock fucking swing anyway, determined to get this over with. 

“All right. You know what to do, Princess Kenny.” 

“Mrm mrm g fck yrslf,” grumbled the irate princess. On another count of three all the children worked together to push the fair maiden as high as she could go. They got her swinging pretty high, but not quite enough to reach the garter belt in the other tree. She reached and she reached, unable to graze the lacy top of the undergarment. 

“Fuck,” said Kunoichi. “Why won’t she go any higher?” 

“You dicks aren’t pushing hard enough,” said Clyde, already winded from the exertion. 

"That's what she said!" said the sixth grader next door, watching the whole thing from his bedroom window. Hell, why not? There was only so much masturbating one could do before they're dried up and bored. 

What no one seemed to realize was that Haruka and Michiru weren’t helping, because they were off to the side having a pep talk. 

“Oh god. Oh Jesus. I can’t. I can’t push Princess Kenny that high. What if she falls off and dies? That’s way too much pressure.” 

“You can do it, babe,” said Michiru. “You’re capable of more than you think.” 

“I’m not capable of that!” said Haruka. “Don’t you see how high that is? A-and even if she gets that high, what if she swings back down too hard, crashes into me and breaks my neck? I won’t be capable of anything if I’m dead!” 

“Damn it, Tweek. It’s just a tire swing.” They grasped both of each others hands and gazed into each others eyes romantically on a twinkling, nondescript backdrop, like something out of a low budget anime. “You have to let it go, just like Elsa. Remember Elsa? I do. My sister used to watch that movie like twenty fucking times a day." 

"ARGH!" was Tweek's response, but Craig persisted.

"I know you can do it. You’ve got so much pent up lesbian rage. Channel it.” 

“Oh shit,” said Haruka, snapping back to the present moment. “I think you’re right. I can feel it. The power, it’s building up.” 

“Good,” said Kevin Stoley, still dressed as Kylo Ren, but quoting Emperor Palpatine for topical purposes. “Let the hate flow through you.” 

Michiru flipped him off. Meanwhile, Haruka was powering up. 

“Urgh! By the power of Uranus and all my lesbian rage, Princess Kenny WILL get that garter belt!” Haruka cried to the heavens, then charged and pushed the tire swing with all her might, Michiru and Kylo Ren by her side to help. After their mighty push, all three of them crash landed face first in the dirt, and Princess Kenny flew sky high.

It was enough. Princess Kenny grabbed the belt, but tragically continued to ascend. Another branch bucked her off the tire swing, which sent her flying over the house and-WHAM-landed head first on the sidewalk, painting the street in her blood and chunks of skull. 

\---

“Oh my god. Tweek killed Kenny.”

“You bastard!” 

\---

Butters was still whistling his jaunty little tune, all too proud that his one dream in life, to never be grounded again, had finally come true, all thanks to Stan’s gay dog. He was working on his new dream now, that is, being able to not only stand up to Cartman, but to kick his ass, too. Butters let Sparky pee on as many trees as he liked, taking his time on the way back to Stan’s house. If he was lucky, he wouldn’t be too, too late, and Stan’s mom wouldn’t be all sore at him.

“Those fellas really underestimate ol’ Cherry Blossom Butters,” said Butters. “But no more. They’ll never see me as a ninja, or a leader of the Meheecans, and gosh darn it, I’ll be the best magical girl they ever did see.” 

Suddenly, Butters heard a scream. He barely realized he was about to walk past Clyde’s house when a little girl in a dress came flying through the air in slow motion, and just as soon plummeted. Her brains went splat against the payment, blood trickling into the storm drain. 

“Oh hamburgers!” Butters belted, bug-eyed. Before him laid the corpse of Princess Kenny, festering and covered in rats faster than he could blink. Sparky gave the body a few curious sniffs, peed on it, then wondered into Clyde’s back yard where all the other kids were hanging out. He was a doggy and damn it! He wanted pets!

\---

“I didn’t mean to kill Kenny!” said Haruka. She buried her face in Michiru’s shoulder and screamed. 

“Look what you assholes did,” said Michiru, flipping them all off with one hand and comforting her distraught wife with the other. 

“Us? Tweek’s the one who did it,” said Kunoichi. “I mean, Haruka Tweak. God dammit, I can’t get used to these names for some reason.”

“Uh, guys. We have a problem,” said Miki Prissypants, pointing toward Butters. He’d witnessed the whole thing and was in deep shock. 

“Aww, fuck,” said Jewlia. “If Butters tells our parents that Kenny died because of us then we’re gonna get in so much trouble. Holy shit, my mom will kill me.” 

“Oh, don’t you worry your taut little Jew behind over that,” said Miki, brandishing a baseball bat she found on the ground. “I’ll take care of Cherry Blossom Butters myself.”

\---

Next time on Mahou Shoujo Kyle Broflovski...

Things get explosive. 

“YOU NEVER LISTEN TO ME. YOU NEVER TRY TO BE MY FRIEND. I HATE YOU.” 

Things get intense. 

“I already fucking told you. If you wish upon a gay dog then you’re screwed!” 

Things get... a little high. 

“I have no idea what’s going on right now.” 

All of that and more. Next time!


	4. Episode 4: Assaulting Your Little Friend With a Deadly Weapon While Wearing Women’s Clothes

Five minutes passed. The rats made off with Kenny’s bloody remains, and all the children gathered ‘round in Clyde’s back yard, forming a wide circle around Cartman and Butters as the two faced each other in a battle to the death. 

“Feel my righteous fury!” said Butters, spinning his cherry blossom spear above his head. 

“Damn it, Butters. This isn’t Stick of Truth. You have to do it more like a girl,” said Cartman, who cleared his throat and said, “Like this: ‘By the might of my clit and balls, I shall slay thee!’” 

“Aww, gee. I really don’t want to-” 

“You have to say it, or you’re not a real magical girl. That’s the rules,” said Cartman.

“Oh, well, all right then,” said Butters, his voice unsure and jittery as he said, “B-by the power of my clit and balls, I shall slay thee.

“...

“Uh. What’s a ‘clit’?” Butters whispered to the closest person, who was Craig. He shrugged, then resumed burying his face in Tweek’s hair, which made him soooo happy. 

“Hey guys, how about you liven up?" said Cartman, noting the lack of energy from the crowd. “You’re all about to witness the true debut of Miki Prissypants, the most powerful fighter in all the Universe.”

Kyle tried to intervene by reminding him that Jewlia was the most powerful in the Universe, or would be eventually, but Token spoke up first. 

“Nuh uh,” said Token. “Goku is the most powerful in the Universe, not... whoever you’re supposed to be.”

To be fair, Cartman did appear about as feminine as a muddy pig dressed in grandma’s nighty. Nothing at all like Miki Sayaka in face or character. Indeed, nobody even know who he was actually supposed to be, except for Stan and those guys, and barely that!

“You know, I really didn’t want to go there, but you leave me no choice,” said Cartman, pinching the bridge of his nose. “You can’t be Goku, Token. You’re black, and Goku isn’t. Get over it.” 

Crickets chirped. A cold breeze passed through. Then... 

“You got this, Butters!” said Token. 

“Yeah! Fuck him up, Butters!” said Kyle. 

“Aww gee,” said Butters, feeling all nervous and fluttery inside. “I-I dunno.” 

“Don’t be a wuss, Butters!” said Stan. 

“You can do it, Butters!” 

“Yay Butters!”

“Gosh, fellas,” said Butters, his cheeks turning pink. Then he got excited, smiling and staring Cartman down. He could actually do this. He felt it. He sure hoped he didn’t get grounded for fighting, though.

Oh wait. He couldn’t get grounded ever again. The mighty power of the gay dog would see him through.

“Well, I suppose Butters is the lesser evil,” said Wendy. Then, with all of her body, she hollered, “Knock that fat fuck’s teeth into the gutter, Butters!”

“G-g-go geh-get 'im, Butters!” said Jimmy, waving his crutch in the air. “F-fuck his shit up!” 

“Yeah, Butters!”

“For once we’re cheering for you, Butters." 

"Yeah! Don’t fuck this up, Butters!” 

“Butters!” said Timmy, flailing about.

Meanwhile, in Hell.

Kenny and Satan were chilling in Satan’s pad, passing the bong and cheesy poofs with Pip, Damien, and Towelie as they all cheered for Butters. 

Meanwhile, back on earth.

“Arck! Make him eat shit, Butters!” said Tweek, who was no longer distraught. He couldn’t even remember why he was so upset in the first place. Probably just anxiety. If Craig’s hugs and kisses were enough to make whatever it was go away then it probably wasn’t worth remembering in the first place.

“Hey, what’s going on?” said Clyde, making goo goo eyes at Bebe and Red, who wandered over with Wendy to see what all the noise was about. If Clyde knew one thing, it was that all chicks were stoked on Vegeta. All chicks who were into Dragon Ball Z, in any case. Bebe and Red weren’t into Dragon Ball Z yet, but a few trips to anime club would change that. And hell, if they preferred Trunks, Clyde was totally open to switching characters. Token’s one rule was that he always got to be Goku. Chicks weren’t all that stoked on Goku anyway, so Clyde didn’t care. 

“Say your prayers, bitch,” said Butters, cackling as he took a potato chip, and ate it.

\--- [Episode 4: Assaulting Your Little Friend With a Deadly Weapon While Wearing Women’s Clothes] 

“Oh, hell no you did not just call me a bitch!” said Miki Prissypants, a bat in one hand and a Nerf sword in the other. She charged toward Cherry Blossom Butters with the force of one pissed off cow. The sound of her nylons rubbing together was enough to make the prince of all Saiyans lose his lunch and cry. The girls ignored him and cheered for Cherry Blossom Butters as she taunted her foe, dodging every blow. 

“Bullcrap. You think you have it bad?” she said, blocking and parrying every blow. “You have no idea how hard it is to be me! All I have in life is-is my dad yelling at me, grounding me, beating me. A-and wedgies, and getting my head shoved in the toilet, and getting pounded in the snooch...” 

“You know who Butters reminds me of right now?” said Heidi, stuffing Butters’ potato chips into her mouth while joining the expanding audience of blood-thirsty fourth graders. 

“Who?” said Red.

“That girl Marjorine,” said Heidi, burping. She wiped the crumbs from her mouth and wondered out loud, “Whatever happened to her anyway?” 

“Shhh! It’s about to get good,” said Wendy, and Heidi did shhh!, because she was trying to get back on good terms with the girls. No one wanted to see Eric eat shit more than Heidi did, except maybe Kyle, or Stan, or Token, or Jimmy, or Clyde, or Wendy, or... 

“YOU NEVER LISTEN TO ME. YOU NEVER TRY TO BE MY FRIEND. I HATE YOU.”

“Butters, chill. It’s just a fucking game,” said Miki Prissypants, but Cherry Blossom Butters got angry. Real, real angry, and was on the offensive now, swinging her spear wildly, causing her corpulent friend to cry out in terror. She was free. Free at last! Free to fight to her full potential! There was no threat of being grounded anymore. As long as she assumed this form she was ungroundable, and therefore unstoppable.

“I taught him everything he knows,” said The Amazing Butthole, a Bigender, Demisexual Person of Neutral alignment and long purple hair at this point in time. This is the first thing they’ve said since Stick of Truth. They mostly let their butt do all the talking.

“Hey, New Kid. That’s my line,” said Craig, flipping them off. 

“Butters! Oww! Hey! Stop! That really hurts!” said Miki Prissypants with tears in her eyes. She buckled beneath her massive weight and crashed to the ground when her combatant struck her in the kneecaps. Cherry Blossom Butters shoved the tip of her spear beneath her opponent’s jowls, panting, pissed off.

Then her eyes turned outward to a familiar yelling, and that’s when she knew the fight was over. 

\---

“Oh no,” said Butters, his gaze darting this way and that. 

“Butters! Are you assaulting your little friend with a deadly weapon while wearing women’s clothes?” said Mr. Stotch, barging through the crowd. “You answer me this instant, mister!” 

“Yes sir...” 

“Do you have any idea how GROUNDED you are right now?” 

“Ye... hey, wait a minute,” said Butters, looking down at his spear. The smirk on his face returned, and he pointed the tip of his stick toward his father now. 

\---

“You can’t ground me! You can never ground me!” said Cherry Blossom Butters to the Wicked Witch of Groundation. “I made a wish on a gay dog and got super special magical girl powers now.” 

“hhhhhhhhhhssssGGRRRRROOOOOOOUUUUUUNNNNNNDDDDDDDDEEEEEEEDDDDDDDDDdfjasldjfdljgaffdavcx!” said the witch, its tentacles and pervasive aura drawing nearer. Cherry Blossom Butters didn’t even bat an eyelash, though. Her powers were in full bloom, pink petals swirling around her like a beautiful spring morning in Tokyo. 

“I wished to never be grounded again and that’s that! Taste my shaft, you evil witch!” She belted, charging toward the beast at full speed. 

\---

“Dude!” said Stan, bug-eyed as he watched Mr. Stotch vomit and writhe on the ground. Butters hit him in the knees and curb-stomped him square in the nuts when he went down. Mr. Stotch, though in agony, was doing his utmost to recover quickly despite the immense pain. He'd never been more determined to ground his son.

“Bail?” Kyle suggested, and just like that all the children rapidly dispersed into the night. Not even Clyde stayed. He was having a sleepover with Token anyway. They only stopped by to get the stupid garter belt out of the tree anyway. 

\--- 

The very next day, Kaname Jewlia looked back on the fight and felt kind of bad for Miki Prissypants. 

That is, until that bitch queefed in her waffles.

“Oh, that does it!” said Jewlia, picking up her Nerf bow and arrow. “I’m going to wish that this fat bitch dies in a gutter.”

“Whoa, whoa. Time out, girlfriend,” said Kunoichi, grabbing Jewlia by the shoulders. Then, rather stiffly, she said, “Uh, I mean. How many times must I warn you? How foolish can you possibly be?”

“Shut up, Kunoichi!” Jewlia spat acidly, like in Twilight. “I’m doing this and that’s final.” 

“No, you shut up, Jewlia!” said Kunoichi, snatching the bow and arrow away. “I already fucking told you. If you wish upon a gay dog then you’re screwed!” 

“Hy whys mmu?” said Princess Kenny, entering the kitchen. 

“Oh. Hey, Kenny,” said Kunoichi. 

“Dude, where were you last night?” said Jewlia. “Fatass here got totally fucked up by Cherry Blossom Butters and you missed it.” 

“Mmerrm maammm fm mkuuku,” said Princess Kenny, then she laughed and queefed at the same time, and the four magical girls took off for their next great witch hunting adventure. 

That is, except for Miki Prissypants. She decided to disappear into the woods, in hopes that she would find that slut Cherry Blossom Butters and lez her out to death once and for all! 

\--- 

“Son of a bitch,” Cartman muttered to himself. He was beyond words this morning. He didn’t get a wink of sleep over this. It was one thing to be outsmarted by Butters. Butters was a nerd. It made sense for him to be smart. Butters was Cartman’s wingman for a reason. They performed diabolical acts of pure genius together on a daily basis. Butters was a massive dick and deserved no one’s pity, or support. Yet the whole crowd cheered for him, and Cartman wound up getting fucked up. Fucked up by Butters, of all fucking people! He was just some nondescript little victim bitch that everyone forgot about until they needed someone to shit on. His job was to be a butt monkey. His job was not to win in a fight, ever!

And yet that very bitch went totally aggro on him and brought him to his knees. It was just a fluke of course, but Butters still had to pay. Who knows what would have happened if Butters’ dad hadn’t intervened? Good thing Cartman had sense to text him beforehand. Even so, that fight gave Cartman horrific flashbacks of the time he got beat up by Wendy Testaburger in front of all of his friends. Beat up by a girl! Beat up by a Jew! And now? Beat up by a complete wuss, even if it was a fluke. 

He pulled a butter knife out of his dress pocket and ground his teeth together.

“Fucking Butters,” said Cartman, brandishing his Butters knife. “Fucking, goddamn Butters. I’ll fucking kill him! YOU HEAR ME, BUTTERS? RESPECT MY AUTHORITAH!” 

With one monstrous foot in front of the other, Cartman marched into the woods. 

Next time on Mahou Shoujo Kyle Broflovski... 

“Whatever. I made a wish on a gay dog for ten million dollars,” said Miki Prissypants, holding a knife to Cherry Blossom Butters’ throat. “She who has the money makes the rules. Not my fault if you have to learn that the hard way.” 

“Fuck you, Eric!” said Cherry Blossom Butters, using her new found abilities to strike yet another hapless fool square in the nuts. 

Meanwhile, Kaname Jewlia and Kunoichi Akemi have their own lezzing out to do. 

“I wasn’t really gonna wish on a gay dog, you know. I’m just sick to death of Cartman!” 

“I know, dude, but...”

“NO BUTS!” said Jewlia. “Jews can too be magical girls! I just choose not to be.” 

Stay tuned!


End file.
